There’s no truer expression of love than a fancy wedding Or at least that’s what I and my peers have convinced you for financial reasons that will soon become clear, if they aren’t already. I’m sorry, are we paying for this time? Long ago, marriage was strategic – a way to legally bind two families or to increase one family’s landholdings. Today very few issues can be settled
by robbing your children of their right to choose a lover However, people like me still wanted to make money.
so we built an industry around the idea that you should legally bind yourself to the person with whom you most enjoy having sex Or, failing that, with whom you’re
most comfortable Or, failing that, anyone you want
for basically any reason Including immigration or tax concerns
(provided it’s not a family member) You don’t have to, of course, but it would be weird and kind of pathetic if you don’t Your parents agree with us.
And anyway, can you really put a price on love? Yes, love costs, on average, $ 31,500. -Holy fuck**ng sh*t.
-Yeah, same question. I told you we shouldn’t have given a kosher option Aah, save it vows.
Is this a wedding or an informative short? We, honestly, don’t know.
Congratulations, you’ve met the love of your life What better way to celebrate
than by spending several paychecks on a party for so many friends,
family members, and people you don’t know but your parents insist that you invite,
but you never speak with any of them for longer than 15 seconds.
Society has agreed, that it would be awkward, if those in love didn’t host
a cripplingly expensive event, at which your friends and family
get to watch you kiss, and have a chance to object if they want
(preferably after the meal) In exchange, newlyweds receive money
and/or presents from a pre-approved list of things you’ll need to own, to begin your life as ‘dual consumers’. It’s your little way of saying:
“By those bowls we want, friend from college.” In reality, your marriage is an open-air market, facilitating the barter of appliances
for booze and a meal. But make no mistake: no one is making money here. Except, of course, those of us in the
‘legal binding of people with vaguely religious undertones’ industry.
For example, you’re gonna want music at your reception, or everyone will be mad.
And even though an iPod, plugged into a speaker would be fine,
we’ve convinced you need to spend over a $ 1000 for a stranger
to plug in his iPod instead this is human DJ Chaz, he doesn’t have a degree
in anything, and he will play that song, that orders the listeners to get louder, then softer,
then louder again, and so on, and so forth in that fashion. If you failed to retain his services,
your’s will be a cursed union. These are pleasant smelling remains
of murdered plant life. They cost $ 2000, and are garbage
two hours after you say ‘I do’. I’d also like to remind everyone
that common wisdom states: “An engagement ring should cost roughly
two months salary” And let’s not forget about your maid of honor
and best man We don’t profit much on that one
outside of charging them an outrageous amount to rent an outfit
worn by dozens of people before. Really, we just thought forcing you
into picking your favorite friend would be a funny way
to add stress to your wedding day You literally have to decide,
which of your friends is best then make them write a speech. Even though it’s only my fourth time
talking in front of a group I’m going to tell a wildly inappropriate
story about the groom It’s intensely private, but society
has obligated me to reveal it on what is arguably the most important
day of his life in front of people who really
aren’t gonna find it charming. But don’t worry everyone,
WOHOOO. Add in a choreographed dance,
thank you notes and vows, and you’ll soon see your wedding as that
expensive party that requires homework. And don’t forget:
Everyone knows you are going to have sex afterwards. They are all fine with it,
there is no problem. I’m just pointing out that when smiles
at you at your wedding, they are thinking:
“They are going to f*ck later” Your grandma knows. She’s lived a long full life
You think she doesn’t know what happens on your wedding night?
And therefore has probably at least briefly imagined the two of you f*cking.
News flash: She has. Respect the elderly
I’m Roger Horton, and with the power vested in me by
the Internet, I now pronounce you husband and wife
F*ck you, pay me.