-Well, you guys,
today is Cyber Monday. Yeah. All across the country,
people spent the day ordering a bunch of crap online
in their underwear, then remembered
it was Cyber Monday. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Seriously, Americans
love Cyber Monday. Mostly ’cause it’s like
Black Friday minus the cardio. [ Laughter ] I don’t know.
Maybe it’s just me. But I feel like Cyber Monday
has gotten way too commercial. It used to mean something. But now it’s just about
buying stuff. [ Laughter ] But this is cool. I saw that Forever 21
had a great Cyber Monday deal. The entire store was 40% off. [ Cheers and applause ] Not the products. You could actually buy
a Forever 21 for 40% off. I bought like three of them.
-I bought two. -Also, today, I saw that you
could also get 20% off on Spanx. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s kind of cool.
You get 20% off on Spanx. And then Spanx
takes 20% off of you. -Oh.
[ Laughter and applause ] -That’s the way it works. Of course, Amazon had all kinds
of great deals on speakers, cameras, smart TVs,
voice assistants, and a bunch of other stuff that secretly records
people having sex. [ Laughter ] Speaking of Amazon, I heard
that lately federal officials have been cracking down
on fake reviews on the site. But the good news is, you can usually tell
when a review is fake. Check it out. For instance,
here’s a rapid egg cooker. The fake review says,
“Cooks 12 eggs super quick.” The real review says,
“It’s never been faster to fill your home
with egg stank.” -Nice. That’s nice. [ Laughter ] -Egg stank.
-Egg stank, yeah. -Next up, here’s a package
of Christmas lights. Fake review says, “A beautiful
way to spread Christmas cheer.” The real review says, “You’ll
spend six hours untangling them, nine hours hanging them. Then you’ll look for that
one single light that’s out before saying screw it
and converting to Judaism.” [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] “I can’t find it! Now it’s blinking.
Now it’s blinking.” Next up, here’s a Hydro Flask
water bottle. Fake review says,
“Keep liquids ice-cold.” Real review says, “Um, perfect
if you’re a basic VSCO girl. Just don’t get my color, bitch.” Ts-ts-ts-ts!
And ooh. [ Cheers and applause ] Next, here’s
the Kindle Paperwhite. Fake review says, “Way better
for reading than an iPad.” Real review says, “With my iPad, I keep getting too distracted
to read, as opposed to this,
which I just never use.” [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, it’s not charged. -And finally, here’s
a handheld clothing steamer. Fake review says, “Great way
to eliminate wrinkles after a day at work.” Real review says, “Terrible way
to warm up a crotch after shoveling snow.” [ Laughter and applause ] Can’t trust every review. That’s right. It’s the start
of the holiday season. Oh, Tariq, I’ve been meaning
to ask you, how was your Thanksgiving
this past weekend? -Small. -Oh, nice. Small Thanksgivings
are always fun, intimate. Did you cook the turkey
yourself? -Delivery. -You got it delivered?
That’s cool. Where’d you spend the holiday? -30 Rockefeller Plaza,
New York, New York, 10112. That’s Studio 6B. -Wait, you were at work
for Thanksgiving? -Confirm. -Did you see anyone
from the office? -Confirm! -Who else was here? -Same as billing. Same as billing!
-What? What? -I’m sorry, Jimmy.
What were you saying? I was just ordering a panini
maker from Bed Bath & Beyond. I got 15% off and free shipping. Happy Cyber Monday, baby. [ Cheers and applause ]
Confirm! -Thank you, thank you.
Tariq Trotter. Tariq Trotter again. -[ Laughing ] -Do you want to do confirm?
-He’s ordering more. -Do you want to say “confirm”
one more time? -Confirm! -Confirm.
We got it. Thank you. And the Emmy goes to… [ Drumroll ] …Tariq Trotter! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, this is fun. Earlier today, Melania Trump unveiled this year’s White House
Christmas decorations. And this year’s theme
was spirit of America. Check it out. Yeah.
-Oh. -That was way better
than last year’s theme, Christmas meets “The Shining.” [ Laughter ] But this — But this is fun. Melania used Scrabble tiles to decorate the White House
Christmas tree. Check it out. I like it.
It says, “Be best.” President Trump also has
a Scrabble ornament. It says, “Witch hunt.” -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Listen to this. A new poll found that
a majority of Republicans think Trump is a better
president than Abraham Lincoln. But whether or not you agree,
Trump actually has some quotes that are very similar
to Lincoln’s. I’ll show you what I mean. For example,
Abraham Lincoln said, “I’ve always found that mercy
bears richer fruits.” While President Trump said, “I’ve always found that red
gummy bears are the juiciest.” [ Laughter ] Next up, Lincoln said, “Give me
six hours to chop down a tree, and I will spend the first four
sharpening the ax.” While Trump said,
“I once put both of my feet into the same leg hole
and tipped over.” [ Laughter ] And finally,
Lincoln famously said, “Four score
and seven years ago.” While Trump said, “Seven years ago, I went
to Scores four times.” [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] Similar.
-Yeah, very similar. Very. -Some entertainment news — The new trailer for the next
James Bond movie came out today. [ Cheering ] I’m not saying James Bond
is getting old. But in this movie,
he and his Bond girl just spend the night in bed
watching “The Kominsky Method.” -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -You guys, New York got pounded
with snow today. It was crazy out there, right? It was rough out there. On the way to work, I walked by
the Nuts 4 Nuts guy. He asked me to help
warm his nuts. -Really?
[ Laughter ] -I’m not trained.
I don’t know how to do that. The weather is so bad, travelers
flying out of JFK and Newark had delays between one
and two hours, while people flying
out of LaGuardia were given sleeping bags
and told, “You live here now.”