Sexually Frustrated In A Sexless Marriage | Paul Friedman

Sexually Frustrated In A Sexless Marriage | Paul Friedman


Hi, I’m Paul Friedman. I founded The
Marriage Foundation and today’s topic is “Sexually Frustrated In A Sexless Marriage.” Let’s be very clear, this is not a simple topic and there are layers
I don’t think I’m going to get into all of the layers but I want to give you
enough of an explanation so that you have a starting point with which to
literally change your life. We’re gonna start with the problem. The problem
is not a lack of sexuality. The problem is not the sexless marriage. The problem
is that we are educated to see sex as an ultimate and if you think about that
it’s actually kind of weird because biologically, which is what sex is
literally all about when it’s just sex. Biologically, it’s a tool for procreation
but what happens is because we’re souls and we’re in an animal body
so rather than realizing ourselves as souls which is love what we end up doing
is we use the love as a permission slip to have recreational sex.
Think about that. In other words, people say, “Well, I don’t want to have sex unless
I’m with my spouse or the person I’m going to marry.” These are moral people
who do that but what they’re really saying is I’m not going to have sex
unless… what they’re not saying is I want to use sex to express
my unconditional love and loyalty to the one person who I choose to be with the
rest of my life. Think about the difference here. It’s really a night and day difference. There’s no overlap here.
Recreational sex is a disconnect from who you are as a soul. Look — and you are a soul, and if you did not have a human body but all you were was a soul
you’d be formless. It’s spirit, it’s love. You, a soul are love but we’re here in
this dimension you might say, and we’re still souls and we’re frustrated. We want
to express this love. We want to experience unconditional love which is
the innate quality of the soul, we want that. I’m gonna appear like I’m
digressing here but it’s really important.
You got married pretty much to be happier than you thought you would have
been. Had you not gotten married? That’s why we get married, we
want happiness. Then the next question and it does pose a question is, what brings
happiness? What is it about marriage that brings happiness? And I explored all this
when I began healing marriages after being a divorce mediator for a long
period of time, I want to know why aren’t these people completing their marriages.
Why aren’t they experiencing marriage? I looked into this and I said, “Well, why do
people get married at all?” And it’s always to be happier and so then you
have to ask, well what is universally gonna bring happiness to an individual?
It isn’t money it isn’t family, it isn’t kids, it’s not
cars, it’s not anything material — it’s love. love. Now we’re starting to get close to sex cuz again, people equate sex and love
which is if you think about it preposterous unless and now we’re
getting to the answer of how to change everything, unless you recognize that sex
can become a medium, a vehicle for you to achieve love. Hmm, very different, isn’t it?
So instead of seeing sex as a tool for self gratification or mutual
gratification for that matter, you see sex as a tool for spiritually opening up
your heart. This is very different. We’re not taught this. You use sex in order to
convey your heart’s love to your partner that’s what’s so deep about this and
that’s what’s so frustrating for people because people end up getting married.
They live together expecting sex expecting connection and what does that
connection mean. They just expect it what it really means is a connection between
each other at the level of the soul of heart. How do you get there from here? Now, let’s get right into the topic. The
problem is your marriage is sexless you’re not feeling gratified, you’re not
experiencing what you believe you should experience. I’m gonna tell you how you do
it. Basically, you got to change everything. You got to change your
perspective. You gotta start seeing your spouse as an
excuse to open up your heart. It’s very difficult to open up your heart in the
world. You’ll get killed. You’ll get walked on, you’ll get beaten up, you’ll be
taken advantage of and that’s what marriage is all about. It’s this cosmic
bubble that you and your spouse live within where you can freely express your
unconditional love but you don’t. What you do is you express unconditioned
unbridled expectations and that doesn’t work. You got to turn the whole thing
upside down because right now it’s upside down and it’s not your fault. It’s
because of how the world sees sex,, how the world sees marriage, how the world
sees men, how the world sees women. It’s all messed up so I don’t have a magic wand, I don’t cast
spells. We get these spam people every once in a while who say you know if
you’re not having a great marriage and you want sex in your marriage rather
Josephine will cast the spell I made that up by the way, don’t Google
brother Josephine. And so what we want you to do, what I want you to do is I
want you to consider changing how you see marriage. Start looking at your
marriage as an individual spiritual path towards unbelievable happiness when you
know how. What it requires essentially is learning how to live a life of
selflessness with your spouse. Now it also when you do this, it has a side
effect and that side effect is it creates a cycle of giving and giving
back but that’s not why you do it. You do it because the way love works is that
you can’t create love, you know that but you can give it. Where does it come
from? It comes from God, it’s obvious but when
you give it you become a channel of God’s love and you experience that love
as it flows through you because you can’t even really — because of how the
mind works and I get into all of that in my courses and in the books, but the
reality is you can’t even really experience love from your spouse anyway.
You can experience the manifestations the indications
but love, you can truly experience only by giving it. You see even in the world
even in this simple little thing the world says the only way to experience
love is by giving it because then you’ll get it back, no. That isn’t how it works
I mean you might get it back but you can experience it whether you get it back or
not purely by giving it and that’s the trick. Now let’s go back to the topic.
Basically, you want to change your perspective and you want to give up on
the idea of having a sex-filled marriage which is the opposite of sexless, right
You’ll have sex if you do this but it won’t be sex.
It’ll be truly making love. Now, this is a deep topic, you’re going to have to watch
this video again. There’s a lot of those kind of videos in the courses that we
have where you just got to watch it again. Even when I was training
therapists into this whole extremely positive and fulfilling approach to
marriage. I had already filtered out most of the therapists where I
started and I began with 13 and these principles are not that easy to
assimilate but once you do. Man, it’s like wow, you have one aha moment after
another so rewatch this video. It’ll make a difference in your life because you’ll
get this. You’ll go, “Wow, I never really thought about that before,” and here’s
where the rubber hits the road. Sex is not love. Well right, but I need sex.
Yeah, your body does and you should have it but you need something much more than
you need sex, you need love. We’re souls, man, ladies.
We can’t live without love. It is who and what we are. I hope you got benefit
from this. If you like it, like the video if you did and share it
with other people. We’re trying to sort of enlighten people to these
truer realities around marriage. It’s not so easy I mean we’re up against a huge
wave of wrong thinking truthfully because marriage should be so beautiful.
I mean the term marital bliss is real really is. Alright, enough.
Blessings to you, blessings to your spouse, blessings to your family.

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