MARRIAGE MANUAL FOR NEWLYWEDS (INSIDER TIPS!)

MARRIAGE MANUAL FOR NEWLYWEDS (INSIDER TIPS!)


– Don’t you wish there
was a marriage manual they handed to you when you got married? All couples standing at the altar believe that love will save the day, me included, but when conflict hits, we
need more relational tools that will help us stay deeply connected. Watch this video to the end, and I’ll tell you one principle that most couples are afraid to embrace. For the best marriage
advice, like this video, subscribe to our channel and ring the bell to be notified when we post new videos every Wednesday. Hi, my name is Danielle
West, and my husband Russ and I and co-founded
Intentional Marriages. If you’re dealing with unexpected conflict and don’t know how to properly repair. By the end of this video you’ll have some expert solutions to help you navigate on how
to stay deeply connected. We’ve shared these solutions
with over 100 couples and have seen transformation
in their marriages and them understanding each other better. Now it’s your turn. As responsibility and kids
get added to the equation, how do you stay emotionally connected? If there was a marriage manual there are three relational principles that we would include and ask you to learn
how to implement them. The first one being emotional flooding. Now comment below if you know
what emotional flooding is. The first time I heard
it was in counseling about 17 years ago and I had no idea what the counselor was talking about. But if you do, you’re ahead of the game. And if you don’t, here’s a little example
of what it looks like. – You’re not satisfied. – Everything is my fault, is that what you’re saying? – I’m not saying that. – You don’t look at me, you
don’t ever ask me how I am. – I work, you haven’t looked at me in. – Now that was a good example of two people being very
emotionally flooded. Being emotionally flooded is when you’ve gotten into
a fight with your spouse, and you feel that intensity and all of a sudden you can’t think and you’ve got three stress hormones primarily running through your
body you’ve got adrenaline, obviously, you have epinephrine and cortisol the stress hormone. Now the thing that I didn’t know that I learned in counseling was that it takes biologically
it takes 20 minutes from the moment you
recognize that you’re flooded for those stress hormones to be reabsorbed back into your body. So, the minute that I find that Russ and I are having conflict, we both stop in the moment, pause, step away, step away from the fight. And we both take our 20 minutes to pause. Now, it’s easier for Russ
to stay in the fight, it’s harder for me. He’s more than the tiger. I’m more the turtle. Well I’m a personalizer, As you can see by the GIF of
the turtle hiding in its shell and Russ is a tiger he can
be pretty aggressive verbally, and it’ll just shut me down for days so you can imagine how our
fights were and the more that he would tap on my turtle shell, the more I would hunker down, because I just didn’t
feel emotionally safe. So it’s really great to
identify your fight, flight or freeze behavior. It’s what we do when we get into a fight and we feel flooded. So, marriage can be hard but understanding your patterns really helps build some self awareness, but we both equally need
the 20 minutes to calm down. As a tiger, he needs to
not say anything else. And as a turtle, I need the
20 minutes to calm down, process the fight and come
back and think clearly. And when you’re in the midst of a fight, have you noticed you say
things you don’t mean? And you’re like, “Where
did that come from?” And you don’t think clearly, because those stress hormones almost like it’s like they hijack your brain, right. Do you feel like you think
not logically during a fight, no, me either. So, take it from an
expert counselor to pause. Take a break, and I mean,
I actually set my watch, I was like I want to see how real this is. And once the 20 minutes was up, I could not be as mad at
my husband as I wanted to. It really does make a difference. Emotional flooding is really
important to recognize and to take a pause, take a moment before you
re-engage your discussion. The second relational
principle I would include in the marriage manual is
the weekly marriage check-in. Now, a lot of couples that
we have shared this with up front are resistant because they’re like, “Oh,
we’re having such a good day “I don’t know if I want to go back “and deal with what happened earlier today “or earlier this week,” but we highly highly recommend
to deal with this stuff while it’s still small, because it’s so easy to
brush it under the rug but what we don’t see is that each time we
brush it under the rug, there’s little deposits of resentment, you may not feel them you
may not even recognize them but there’s little deposits, and we don’t see how those
little deposits are growing, growing, growing, to the point
where eventually you lose it, and you have a much bigger
fight than what was intended. – Every girl likes flowers Gary. – You said that you don’t like flowers, I’m supposed to take that to
mean that you do like flowers? – No this is not about,
you’re not you’re not. You’re not getting it you’re
not getting this Gary okay it’s not about the lemons
it’s not about the flowers, it’s not about the dishes. It’s just how many times do I have to drop hints about the ballet. – You know I can’t stand, Brooke! – Or you get to a point of apathy where you’re just like, I give up. We highly highly recommend
doing a weekly check in, we’ll have another video
that’s more detailed about what to talk about
during your weekly check-in. The third relational principle I would include in the
marriage manual for newlyweds is repair instead of swear. Now that’s much easier said than done. – Really, is that what you want Gary? – Yeah.
– That’s what you want. That’s what you want?
– Yeah. – Fine great, do whatever you want, you leave your socks all over
this house, dress like a pig, play your stupid video
game, I don’t care I’m done. – What?
– I am done, I don’t deserve this, I really do not deserve this. I deserve somebody who gives a, I’m not spending one
more second of this life with some inconsiderate. – The very first thing after
a fight has occurred is pause. Take a break. How long 20 minutes,
you’re catching on quick. And the first question
you want to ask yourself is what was my role in the conflict. The first thing we want
to say is my spouse, they were the one who was irritating me or they were the one that hurt me. And that’s part of the
calming down process during that 20 minutes is you really need to keep pulling back and like pullling back the onion layers of what was my role in the conflict. And then when you come back
to talk, use I statements. It is so much easier to
say, “Well, you did this “and you did that.” Using I statements you
know why we don’t use them, because it’s hard. It’s hard because it
requires us to be vulnerable and vulnerability is not easy, but I can tell you it is the thing that really has repaired
a lot of our fights is using I statements. So instead of coming back and saying, “Well, you ignored me,
and turned your back.” It would be instead, “I felt ignored. “And I wasn’t sure what was
happening in the conversation.” Using I statements requires
you to share how you feel and what you need. Instead of saying you, which
is such a critical statement. What else can our spouse
do but be defensive? Right, so, again after you’ve paused, you’re waiting 20 minutes, you’re figuring out what
your role is in the conflict, and you’re using I statements. So, all of this is in a download
in the description below, simply scan the QR code or scroll down to the
description where we have a link. I told you at the beginning of this video there is one relational principle that most couples are afraid to embrace and that is proactive counseling, you’re like, “what?” Now before you turn the video, let me explain you’re thinking counseling, are you kidding, and
proactively go on purpose. Yes, but here let me ask you something. You hire a financial advisor
for your money goals, right. And you hire a personal
trainer for your fitness goals. Why wouldn’t you hire a mentor, a coach, an advisor for your relationship goals? There’s no family that
has perfectly prepared us for relationships moving forward. I mean, our parents only modeled what their parents taught them. But I believe with this wave
of emotional intelligence that we have the opportunity to repair in such a way that we
can be deeply connected, and not just exist in our marriages. And so that’s my heart’s desire for you because had I not done the counseling, I would have just existed in my marriage. It takes somebody from the
outside looking in to coach us. And it’s been fantastic. I will tell you there have been
times where I’ve gone there where I thought, Russ was the problem, and I learned I was. So obviously that takes some
courage to look at yourself and understand and be
self-aware of what your role is. But it has been significant
for our marriage. And so, my desire for you, and if you want to succeed is look into counseling proactively. Now, some of you don’t have
the time nor the money. In our next video I will share three
inexpensive alternatives to help you gain that self awareness. If you liked this video let me know by liking it below, subscribe, and take a screenshot. Share with your friends, and comment below let me know what you think about couples counseling. I’d love to hear from you. Thanks for watching.

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